Have A Day

Having a positive mindset can help us get through tough times. There is research that shows us that we can in fact change the wiring of our brain (neuroplasticity). However, there is such a thing as too much positivity. Pop culture refers to this topic as toxic positivity. We can even go as far as to see it as changing reality itself (or denying reality). This can become harmful to a person's experience especially when one's reality is sad, lonely, etc.

How do we know how to encourage and support without becoming harmfully positive? One of the key things to keep in mind is whether we can see the persons circumstances just as they are (without changing their reality). For example: Allowing the person grieving the loss of a relationship to share their pain is different from telling them "it's not so bad." Sometimes we mean well when we say things like "its not so bad;" "you're young;" "you didn't date for that long;" there are plenty of other people out there;" etc., etc. But taking this too far denies a person's experience of deep sadness as they grieve their loss. An experience they need to feel in order to process their loss.

That example leads to another key point is making sure the person feels understood in their experience. That you aren't necessarily changing their perspective or circumstance. Sometimes we so badly want to relieve someone of their pain that we say too much when what the person needs it to feel heard. Sometimes we want to relieve them of our pain to avoid sitting in our own pain and become stuck in our own viewpoints.

For example: A friend applies for a job they are qualified for, however they do not get it. We want to swiftly remove them from their disappointment and sadness by reminding them of all the other great things in their life and future opportunities that surely must come. Should we take them out to the movies? Share our own disappointments? Perhaps throw shade at the successful applicant.

Our own unprocessed pain can get in the way of being there in their moment of need in the way they need us to, not in the way we feel relieves our own discomfort. As we feel this show up, as we feel the discomfort of the unknown, let it be a reminder that we ourselves need to have a day later on and process what it is that we are avoiding.

Inversely, how do I have my own personal experience and feelings when someone is trying to change or help me escape my reality? When we are in a state of vulnerability, a good place to start in sharing about painful moments or experiences is with someone that we deeply trust. They have shown up in both good and bad times, and they have demonstrated the ability to keep opinions/judgment to themselves. This does not preclude seeking wise counsel, however, often wise counsel will have these qualities.

What we are discussing is the ability to unmask pain. To walk through life in the reality of all that is has to offer us. And the full truth is that life doesn't always offer us happiness. Our resilience is not measured by how long we can hold an artificial smile. Our resilience is in some ways measured by our ability to say this hurts and that's okay too.

As a society we get fearful that we will get stuck in the ugly, if we look at it too closely. Collectively, we share this fear, and therefore we respond often in groups with the kind of positivity that denies the reality of pain and in doing so causes harm. We wash over sadness and pain with "just look on the bright side," not wanting others to touch their discomfort for fear of getting swallowed by our own. Sometimes we get so stuck in our fear we say things like "love and prayers" without considering what is actionable behind it. Is there space to show up on a Sunday morning and have a day, rather than having to have a good one.

Our rote responses of positivity deflate, deny and displace the real pain and suffering that is part of our experience in this world. Instead we choose sanitized pleasantries, rather than risk truly sharing in another's experience. Not only does this invalidate others pain, it distances us from our own, making it harder to touch and appreciate, harder to move through in a healthy way and paradoxically strengthening it's grip on us.

The next time you see someone looking like they are "having a day" - ask yourself how you can join them in it. Loneliness only works in isolation, sadness works best on it's own. As we connect with others in genuine ways we free each other of the sense of being stuck. Sometimes our pride can get in the way. Our sense of having to "know" how to help, stops us from asking the question: how can I help you in this moment? They might not know, and perhaps the help they need is more than you can offer. It is okay to find both of those answers to be true and to still show up and ask the question. Sometimes it is the showing up that has the greatest effect.

When we stop making assumptions about our abilities and limitations, or compare them to those of others, we can step into a place of the unknown together - a place where help is offered, understanding is offered, softness is offered, grace is offered, and in most cases, the solution is mixed up into those.