Love & Connection Combat Hyper Independence

In today's society, independence is often praised, highly valued, and idolized. However, when we praise independence, we don't consider what kind of independence we are praising, or where it came from. The latter may be the more critical of the two, as it can be a tell tale sign that something is wrong (and someone is hurting). I do make the distinction in the quote between independence and hyper independence, because one can be a healthy coping skill, while the other is a mask for pain. However, in society, both are viewed from the same standpoint.

One of the first questions to ask is how do we get to a place of hyper independence? It stems from a collective, repetitive failure to meet an individuals needs. This changes their schema of the world (especially in early years) and one of the coping skills for this is hyper independence. It looks healthy, and is thoroughly praised, especially when others may know the background of the story. It might even be described as resilience.

For the person who is hyper-independent, loneliness follows, and over time that loneliness can become a very dark place. We become so protective of our world, that nothing and no one can penetrate it. We may become the know-it-all in every subject, or the person who handles their emotions well (masked, but no true vulnerability). Often times it's deeply seeded in logic, because logic becomes the first line of defence at maintaining distance to oneself and to others.

The distance at one point meant safety, and yet it no longer keeps a person safe, but maintains them in their own prison. When we are void of connection of others, we slowly become void of a sense of self, identity and personhood. In some cases, we may maintain our identity but it becomes so engulfed in the idea of independence that they remain on the outside of the world, not quite certain on how to connect or deepen relationships.

We build independence in our children from a younger and younger age. Sometimes we call it maturity. Someone may say "they are very mature for their age." When we are outside of our developmental stage of independence (and connection), even when it looks good, it's still harmful.

There are natural developmental stages to childhood that are so important not to rush, as it becomes the foundation of connection and relationship. To skip over them, is to skip over basics in relational trust, which then encourages hyper independence, both in childhood and later in life.

How do we seek healthy connection as adults? How do we foster connection in our children? We must make it safe for others to feel they can connect with us as adults. Both for our own connections, and also to ensure that we are offering safety for others to practice connection. Grace upon grace, and space for honesty. Hard conversations are how we deepen connection. In the discomfort, we can choose to find a way forward. It allows for needs to be heard bi-laterally. We won't always get it right, and neither will those we are in relationship with. Grace is so important for this. Not all boundaries are hard boundaries (though some instances require that). There is lots of space in a multitude of relationships for soft boundaries.

We may not have met our own developmental stages for relational connection as children and that's okay. It becomes two fold in our endeavour to give our children the thing, we are simultaneously trying to give ourselves. Grace is not only important for others, but in relationship with ourself.

As we model these things for our children, we make it safe for them to learn to do the same. As well, we must offer a space of co-regulation for as long as a child individually needs. Some children require external regulation for longer periods of time. Some things that impact the length of how long it is needed can depend on things like neurodiversity, trauma, personality types, etc. It is not a one size fits all, but you can look at the mean of the age group to understand how to better support your child.

The next time your child wants you to tuck them into bed, read them a bedtime story or says they are scared and need you - take it as a cue that they are asking for connecting, trying to find a way to meet their need of connection and feel that it's worth the risk to ask you.

Some bids for connection don't look as welcoming. These are ones that I call prickly. They don't feel good to the adult, they may trigger something in ourselves, or it may feel risky or harmful. The quicker we can recognize it's a bid for connection (when it is in fact a bid) then the quicker we can respond to meet the need. Sometimes these ones are harder to navigate and can use the support of a family therapist to help you navigate through them.

Remember that moments of building healthy connections and true independence comes from feeling deeply secure in connection to others and self. Society might tell you otherwise and fear might step in where frustration boils to the surface.

Connection brings security every time.

We do this naturally when we reach for a partner or friend. Let your child reach for you too. You are their connection, security and the blueprint of how they will begin to understand the world and relationships.