We are Wired for Connection, Love & Belonging

We are wired for connection, love and belonging.

The infamous words of Sue Johnson, who spent her lifetime studying the science of love. Incredibly enough she found a roadmap for love. Initially she looked at couples, however her understanding expanded to families as well as individuals.

Having taken as many available emotionally focused therapy trainings, under Sue Johnson (the founder of EFT) prior to her passing, it is something I can hear her say. Sue's roots were British, and I can still hear the way that she said it. Perhaps it is more deeply connected to my own families roots to England. Her way of being was slow, full of understanding and carefully precise.

So, what is this roadmap to connection, love and belonging? We all relate to one another in the ways that we were taught and in the way we grew up. We understand love in those ways. As we interact with those around us, we bring those ideas and experiences into those interactions. The roadmap itself is based on understanding attachment and looking at attachment longings. 

In a world where many things have become transactional, our basic need for connection overrides the distance, or we become starved of the very basic things our soul needs.

(Healthy) Connection is fundamental to life. There have been studies that prove we as humans will choose connection over other life sustaining necessities such as food and water. In early infancy where there is concern for failure to thrive, it is not just nourishment that is required, but nurturance. Attachment in imbedded in our genetics and survival.

Perhaps you’re saying “I understand it in theory, but I don’t know how to apply it.” Do you know whats really incredible even in that thought? You’re doing it. You’re reaching for connection, you’re asking for clarification, your seeking to get your needs met. 

And...

It’s okay to not get it right the first time, to grow in understanding. It’s normal to seek support to find growth in connection. 

Connection requires trust and safety. Love requires trust and safety. Belonging requires trust and safety. The power that trust and safety has is integral to the depth of connection. Those two things come with things like honesty, empathy, understanding and compassion.

If we take a look at family patterns relationally, most parents want to connect with their kids. One of the biggest parental blocks for connection is: “I need to teach my child.” Connection is the cornerstone to any relationship and must take a higher priority than correction. If we attempt at correction without connection, the teachable part of the moment is lost. 

If we look at couples, there is a unique piece given in a marriage that does not exist in any other relationship: equal power. Shared experience. Tending and caring about each others needs and hurt in a fully reciprocal way. It can be a beautiful healing dynamic when connection is done well, and it can be a painfully isolating experience when the connection (trust and safety) isn’t there. 

If we take a look at individuals, connection to self and others are integral in meeting those needs, however sometimes we trade pieces of ourselves to “fit in” or fear pain and don’t engage. 

When we consider all of these scenarios, there are blocks that get in the way of connection. The blocks are often related to safety and trust. So whether you are looking to improve your relationship with your children, your spouse, yourself or a friend in your life - ask yourself where trust and safety exist in that relationship. What are the blocks that are eroding trust and safety. What do you have control over to aid with building trust and safety?

When the disconnection is high, and the pain blocks connection, consider finding someone trained in EFT to assist you with a roadmap to finding your way back to connection with the people you care for and love. Ultimately, most times, on the other side of that longing, is another person, wanting and needing the same thing. 

There are people in life that draw you in. They exude a kindness, with such gentle (yet firm) boundaries, that love and care flows out of them. It comes from a place of deep connection to self and others. It does not come from perfectionism. It comes from knowing yourself deeply enough to navigate the grey areas of life, balancing the needs of self and other always. Sue was one of those people, and I (like many) continue the work she began.

Her work brought me "home" in a depth of understanding. I could no longer deny self in harmful ways. It is the very thing therapeutically that we offer at Riptide. A chance to feel at "home" in your body/soul, which ultimately gives you a place to start breathing again.