Holding space

What does it mean to hold space for someone? It is the act of listening and empathizing with another. When we cannot empathize (due to lack of experience) it is ones own inability to pause judgement and not jump to conclusions. This is talked about a lot, but is the depth of it understood? As we look at the difference between judgement and understanding, perhaps we can come to a different place in our own lives, and in the lives of others as we relate in our social circles.

There are many different reasons that judgements are made throughout a day relationally. Judgement can tell us to read body language and tone of voice. It can also help us draw conclusions around pieces of information that we may not have the whole picture to. It can be a helpful advisor, but it can also be a deadly weapon relationally.

When we make judgements, they are often coloured by the lens that we look through. In this profession, a quick way to detect the level of judgement in a story is the persons ability to tell both sides.

One sided stories will always contain a level of judgement - even if we are someone's advocate.

Judgements are meant to merely inform our curiosity. If we settle on our judgements, without remaining in a space of curiosity, we have condemned the relationship. As we remain curious, we seek more answers, which allows for a more complete and better understanding.

Often times judgements will push our own pain points. Those pain points, allow us to tell the story of "see, I am right." A wise person once said, you can be right, or you can be happy. Judgement often stands in the way of our happiness and most times it will direct us to a path without the understanding.

When we are able to better understand, we begin to process the importance of a pause, prior to a response. The pause is the important piece in remaining curious. The pause allows judgement to take a back seat, so that we are able to understand a situation outside our pain points, outside our judgement and allows us to grow in knowledge and understanding.

We do this often as a team here at Riptide Counselling Inc. It requires that we look inside of ourselves, while also understanding and supporting our clients and the community we serve. We work from a place of servanthood, understanding that it is an honour to walk with people on some of their darkest days.

It requires honestly and transparency in ourselves, of ourselves, and in application to our team (and community) relationally as we model this way of relating. To offer curiosity, is to offer a holding of space. A place that lacks judgment even when it's hard. It offers to give an assumption that we do the best we can, given our experiences.

As you walk through life and are met with judgement, know that it is met with a lack of experience and lack of understanding. There is space relationally to disagree, while also holding judgement. In that moment, as you feel judgement, know that it is an indication of a lack of emotional safety and that perhaps a different level of boundaries are required.

As you walk through life and begin to judge, know that it is a nudge at your own pain points that require processing and thought to expand your understanding.

We have all been the judge and the judged.

We can remind ourselves that in these respective roles it calls for growth and understanding (which can include boundaries). Walking through life with curiosity, giving space to someone for understanding (beyond our own experiences) expands our ability to connect with others, empathize and makes a way for true inclusion.

In therapy and in life, growth comes with growing pains. So too, wisdom brings connection to ourselves and to others.