Understanding Behaviour Through Experience

The history of mental health comes from a long line of "othering" until more recently in theories of attachment, EFT, (new) EMDR. Othering is a term where people or experiences are foreign to us, or alien, meaning we don't understand it, and therefore cannot connect to it. When we lack connection with understanding, we often take out dignity and humanity for the person on the receiving end of our "othering." Our mental health understanding began in seeing things as "not normal" and offering help from a place of pity.

More recently my own daughter (10) asked what pity meant and I had explained this to her by saying it's when someone feels badly for your situation, but lacks the understanding and awareness that your situation could also be their situation given different circumstances. Pity doesn't leave space to know what it would feel like, and so often, pity comes hand in hand with judgement.

History tells us many things about mental health in terms of the viewpoint of pity. Institutions (mental health) were created around it. There's also a piece of history less often talked about, but power under the guise of helping perceived as altruism, but intended for (power) and control.

In many ways, as a society we have come a long way from the experience of othering when it comes to mental health. We have moved away from psych wards that lock people up for life and use torture as a means of "healing." However, in many ways these viewpoints linger in the way we make jokes around mental health, in the way we talk about peoples pain and in the way we talk about peoples struggles. This can be defined as a more covert viewpoint (not as obvious to the untrained eye).

What does it mean to understand human behaviour in terms of the human experience? For us, it means that there is no longer a place for othering. It means that as you sit across in your deepest pain, in your deepest struggle, we can come alongside you and say "I understand" or at the very least, given the same set of circumstances I'd be right where you are. It means acknowledging that labels have historically provided harm in many ways, and yet, with this new lens, labels can provide freedom. When labels are used for understanding, rather than othering, it becomes helpful. When diagnoses are simply for diagnosis sake, but for a basis of understanding in terms of understanding a need, we are moving towards healing.

Like all things in life, there is a pendulum and when it swings, we can be too far one way, as much as we can be too far the other way. Understanding someone's experiences and empathizing with them, does not mean that there isn't also room for boundaries. Sometimes peoples unhealed pain can cause harm to others and requires boundaries. The boundaries should allow you to come from a more compassionate space of understanding.

That being said, a boundary is not pity. A boundary is not a lack of connection (in rare toxic circumstances this may be the case). Boundaries are intended so that your needs are met, while also being able to be in relationship with others. (We will discuss more about boundaries in another blog).

You might now be asking: to understand human behaviour from their experiences, what does that require of me?

It first requires a lot of self compassion and grace. We cannot offer to others, what we cannot offer of ourselves and at times we can be our hardest critics. It requires that we stop defining our humanity as personality traits. Mistakes happen, poor life choices happen, and yet, it doesn't have to define who we are. In fact, we need to stop defining ourselves that way altogether.

As we can show up and do this authentically for ourselves, the application to other people becomes easier. Isn't that an interesting thought? The origin of othering, comes from the othering of our own experiences with ourselves. Our internal dialogue starts at a young age from the important caregivers in our lives. However, as adults, we still have the ability to rewire our brain and rewrite our script. Let it be one of compassion and grace. Let it lead you to a place of understanding that human behaviour is understood by human experience.

When you "other" your experience or someone else's experience, try to catch yourself and narrate that story a bit differently. It might mean asking more questions in curiosity with others and it might mean allowing yourself some grace as life doesn't go perfectly. However you begin to rewrite your story adding in ingredients of compassion and grace, it will ultimately lead you to a different place of understanding.

As Mother Theresa so poignantly said "if you want to change the world, go home and love your family." Family is the birthplace of relational connection (with self and other). Connection remains the key to changing how we view and talk about mental health. How we stop othering situations and people.

As a point of reflection consider one way in which you have been othered in your life, and one way in which you have othered another person. Be gentle with yourself as your walk through this reflective piece, and also let it move you the next steps of repair, healing and ultimately connection.